I have felt a pain that in my prior naive and loving world I never knew existed.
I have lost everything in one moment and did not even realize the magnitude of that moment.
That moment violently introduced me to a whole new world, a whole new life.
It changed everything, without notice, preparation, or approval.
Perhaps, notice would have shown my pain to him, a reassurance I have that would then be taken away.
Perhaps, preparation is obsolete, grief is an aftermath.
Perhaps, knowing undoubtedly that approval would never be given.
I’ve begun the work on living in moments,
Moments of now, no matter how painful I long for moments of then.
moments of pain
moments of strength
moments of numbness
moments of brutal realization
Moments that in my prior naive and loving world, I never knew existed.
Wishing will not extend my old moments.
I must remember to take those moments, allow them to be memories,
Memories that guide me into my new moments.
January 29, 2010