Thank you, dear friends, for your cards and your kind words of empathy, support, and encouragement. I hope you know how much you and your friendship mean to me, for I don’t think I could find just the right words…which means I’d have to use them all and make up some too! Odd isn’t it, this coming from someone who speaks so succinctly using so few words?
I feel so lost today. I’m worried how my son is doing. I start, I stop. I cry, I smile. I pace, I sit. I should have made a more definitive plan. Year one I scheduled foot surgery for the day before my demarc date, hoping I’d have some good drug therapy on the actual day. That didn’t work, but at least I tried! Year two I worked on the PowerPoint presentation that I sent to all of you, ‘least I think I sent it to all of you. That was great therapy. This year, I don’t know. It’s still early in the day, I reckon.
One of my sisters received the first part of a reading from a medium this morning and is waiting for part two. She wrote this morning saying, “I got my first reading from the medium, do you want me to send it to you? I understand if you don’t want it today, but I can see a connection in which you might be interested. “Kilyf” I wrote her back telling her of course I wanted to share it with her, that I love her, that she’s among the very best things about my life. No matter how I’m feeling, no matter what’s going on in my life, there is and always will be room for her. I will always give my best to her, it’s just that my best will vary at times. And I asked her what the ‘F’ in “Kilyf” meant, that ‘F’ word with an ‘er’ added? She wrote me back and said it meant ‘first,’ she loved me first ‘cause she’s older, but that ‘F’ word with an added ‘er’ worked too! I think y’all would like my sister.
Anyway, I digress. My sister sent the first part of the reading and the connection was there. So, how does that make me feel? As per usual, so many feelings, so few words. But, you know what? Gratitude is always there! Isn’t that a blessing?
I am so grateful that always, always, always, I am able to find that feeling of gratitude! No matter what has ever happened, even when my husband was diagnosed (I was grateful that I was physically able to care for him and that I was able to take a leave of absence from work), even when he died (that he died in the comfort of the home and with his family he so loved), even today…there is gratitude (among the many things, are you, my dear friends).
And, the gratitude is always tied to the blessing of love; love in so many different forms, shapes, and sizes! Blessings of love are all around me – and all I have to do is open my eyes and my heart and they are mine!
Today so badly hurts. But, I expect my days of significance to badly hurt. I too, expect there to be moments of hurt, varying lengths of moments of hurt, between my days of significance. And you know what, I even have gratitude for the hurt! I hurt because I have known love! Having loved and been loved, is something for which to be grateful. And, to have known the type of love I have known, oh my God, what a blessing!!!!
I think about love and gratitude as the great enablers. I think about where life has taken me these past 49 plus years. I think about the paths I’ve walked since meeting my husband. I think of the steps we took together. I think about the last 6 months of the life we shared in this dimension. I think about the days, months, and years, surreal as they seem, since our demarcation. I think about all those things made possible because I was empowered and enabled by love and through gratitude.
I’m thinking now, and I know I will more so come tomorrow, of how grateful I am that love and gratitude continue to enable and empower me. I think of all the sources, some are physical and tangible, while others are spiritual and intangible. I am so grateful that you are part of my present [b]PT[/b] empowerment (physical and tangible). You’ll never know all that you do for me, all that you give to me, you’ll just have to take my word for it. Maybe I should borrow a phrase from another and call you my PT Team!
I pray that the blessing of gratitude enabled by and through love, continues to be the driving force in my life. I pray that I give as much and hopefully, more than I receive. I hope I learn the lessons I am supposed to learn. I pray for my angels, both physical and spiritual, to guide me in the direction of my purpose, so that when my time comes, I don’t have to sit through some bullcrap a.k.a. remedial training class before I can continue my journey in the next dimension. I so want to be reunited with my husband! I do, I do, and I do! I want to see other loved ones who have gone before me, and I want to wait for and welcome loved ones who will come after me.
My husband lived his life as an honorable and proud example for me to follow and he died with equal grace and dignity. It was not his purposeful intention specifically for me to live life the way he did; it’s just the way he was.
My husband chose me from all the other brats he had encountered and he helped to perfect and refine me into The Brat I am today! I must forge ahead; I know he’s with me still, that he watches me and cares for me. It is for him that I must strive to be the best Brat I can be! And, someway, somehow, I think y’all are part of the divine Brat Plan destined for me. And, so far, y’all are doing a “banger” job! Sank you, from the very bottom of my heart, I sank you!
Really, thank you for all you do to get me through each and every day – especially this last month. I can’t imagine what a pain I must be in your butts! Your phone calls! These last two weekends, especially my anniversary weekend! You truly are my physical angels!
Hugs and smooches! Y’all are the very, very best of the best! And, guess what???!!!! We get to see each other in just a few short days! I can’t wait!
Branch © September, 2004