All of us know who we were, but may not know who we presently are or who we will become. We are in the process of finding ourselves. As I relate my thoughts, remember they are my thoughts, and they may be thoughts you have had, do have, will have, hope to have, or pray you never have!
As I’ve searched for myself, what I have found thus far is the person who is emerging is comprised of the me who was before I met my husband, the me who was with my husband and living a charmed life, the me who was through his illness, the me who was immediately following his passing, and the me as I have experienced the grief of each passing day. I am no longer predictable, not even to myself, probably even less so to myself because the onlookers often confuse me when they tell me I am handling my loss as they thought I would. Huh? I wonder what they know about me that I do not.
I’ve accepted the unpredictable me; I’ve stopped battling me and my confusion, my place at any given moment in my journey; I’ve stopped trying to make sense of it all. For me the answers do not lay in today, they lay in how yesterday has brought me to today. Tomorrow today will be yesterday and therefore, another answer or a rhyme to the reason may be found. I let it happen to me and rather than look at it in terms of where the emotions of my grief have taken me, where I am presently, I look at it in terms of where it is taking me and how it fit into yesterday, how it fits into today, and how I might make it fit into tomorrow and the tomorrows beyond.
I do not know if I will like the me who finally emerges so I do not know if someone will or could ever love the me who will emerge. What I know is my journey has brought me to a place where I remember how very much I was blessed, how very much I once laughed, how very much I was liked and loved. In the place I am now, I know I want and need to look for new blessings, enrichment, and new reasons to laugh. I want to find new ways to enrich the lives of others and give them reason to laugh. Through these opportunities, I hope to emerge into a person I will like and who again will be liked and possibly loved by others.
There are so many forms of love. The love I shared with my husband will not come again; he is gone from this earth and so is the person I was when with him. There are other types of love. Maybe the romantic love will never be mine again, and that will be okay. I believe what should be, will be. So, that will be okay.
I know I like to be liked and that I love to be loved. If the love in my future consists of only the love of my son and the family I hope he one day will have and the love of some wonderful friends, just female or if I’m lucky, male too, then I believe I will be happy. I will be content with the newly emerged me…love in this form will do.
I do not believe guilt belongs in my grief. Guilt for those things I did not do, but wish I had. Guilt for present thoughts I worry should not be running through my mind. What was done is done and cannot be changed. So, I focus my energy on learning the lesson, on not repeating the same behavior, or making the same mistake. With relation to the present thoughts that should not be in my head…I do not do that to myself. I know the wonderful past that was mine. Nothing I can think, nothing I can do, can change it. The past is forever, history cannot be changed; the present is a gift and should not be wasted; the future is not promised, but dreams should be dreamt.
Until I die, I hope to continue to evolve and work on the newly emerging me. I accept that I will have different feelings with each new day. I will not fight them, the feelings, for I may prevent a wonderful opportunity if I fight where my grief is trying to lead me. I’ve been to hell and am on my way back…my grief for my husband is leading me to better things. I am sure of it.