Grief's Journey

welcome back, mc2.  sounds like you had a great adventure!  going new places and doing new things--and i've done nothing as adventuresome as what you've done, it gets easier and it gets harder.  Intergrating.  i went with my sister and her husband to Clark Gardens near Mineral Wells, Tx.  Hardly anyone there,  most beautiful.  I never knew there were so many varieties of day lilies.  Saw my kids on Friday night and worked on Mother's, Daddy's, and Jack's graves.  Got a Belinda's Dream for Jack's grave; when they set his stone, they moved the rose bush.  It was really on its way out, but i watered it and babied it some, and it's come back.  Nothing like last year, but it's got life and it will florish once again, I believe.  Don't think Spell Check is working, so...........it is what it is. 

thanks SoSad...learning to live with it...found a way to do most of the work at night & early morning.

I am so glad to be back...I missed my girls...I missed GJ. I didn't have my laptop with me I could not post or read any of your posts.

I wrote birthday cards; ready to be posted...filled up forms for work...helped my daughter fill up her college application form. All before 6am this morning.

mc2

Stephen,
Yes, you have been through a lot and have done a lot of grief work. Those first months were agony, weren't they? Everything seemed so unreal, and survival was definitely in doubt. Yet here you are, finding some peace. If you're like me, I never believed peace could return. But we've both made it and are learning to appreciate quiet moments alone.

Peggy

So true Peggy, it is indeed still burning though a bit dimmer, yet safe. I never quite realized till now that all of those happy times I have had recently while being here in this house was that flame still burning.  One thing I truly like about living alone is that I can enjoy the flame without others to invade that time.  I never thought I would ever be able to live alone yet over the last two years, I found peace in that. It is a nice place to be , still in our home where I will spend the rest of my days. I just hope it doesn't wear out before I do. (a little humor)   I think maybe I just lost my perspective when she crossed over.  When I first came to this site, I was so lost, in shock, and unsure if I could even survive.  The first year without her, I would walk around this place in anguish. Now when I read the posts I have made, I see how I have grown, adapted, and evolved.  Not to say I don't have those bad moments.  Imagine who I will be tomorrow.  The tools I have picked up Branch are greatly appreciated.
Thanks
Stephen

Linda, welcome home.

It sounds like you had a wonderful time, albeit somewhat bittersweet because your husband wasn't beside you, and it's understandable.  A bit of a challenge with the lost luggage, but you graciously didn't let that spoil your trip.  Italy is a beautiful country that is worth visiting more than once.  I hope to return there one day.

I agree with Peggy that the first anniversary is the toughest.  I had my third anniversary witIhout my husband in April, and the pain of heartache was more bearable than the first.  Please remember that we are here for you.  Lean into the pain, be gentle with yourself, give yourself that day.  It's a very slow process, but you'll get through it.

I give you hugs of comfort.

 

So Sad

Linda,
So good to see your keystrokes again. You painted a good picture of your adventure. I cried when I read about lighting candles in the churches. I can just imagine it, and the tender feelings you might have had. So happy that your sister-in-law was the ideal companion. What a gift, to have her in your life!

I've found our wedding anniversary to be the hardest day of the year. The first one, I could barely function. The second one was better. The third one, this past week, had me feeling sad and crying, but the pain was much softer. I'm not saying this is how it will happen for you. But I do know that we are strong, and you can do this thing. After all, haven't you made it this far?

Remember to take care of yourself this week. Whatever feelings you have, try to not judge them. They are what they are. Do what you need to do to get through the day. And the days after, for grief hangovers can occur.

Know that we are here for you, dear friend. We care.

Peggy

I can relate to what you said, Branch. Just this week, I thought, "Daniel would love it that I'm taking painting classes with his cousin. Daniel would love the flowers I'm planting in the backyard. Daniel would have tender compassion for my tears on our anniversary. And he would be happy that I'm finding joy." And somehow, I think he does.

Stephen, I kinda think the passion we had as continuing to exist. It's like a burner on the stove, burning a very low flame. It burns steadily. It's safe. It brings light. Not as exciting as that high burn, but perhaps more sustainable.

I hope you can see your flame burning.
Peggy

I agree, true heaven awaits.  Glory be the day!

However, albeit changed from our heavenly, heaven-like companionship before his death, I consider any time or space with my husband now to be heavenly or heaven-like even though true heaven awaits me.

Keeping Kathy in mind as you do things or reflect up things - she would like if I tried this, she would like that I'm seeing this, she would like that this happened, she would like if I succeeded at that, she would like that I'm not being static and not letting her be static - will ease things in the direction of becoming more interesting.  Let her change and grow as you change and grow - don't leave her behind, bring her with you.

Wonderful to hear from you, Linda, great to have you back!  Loved reading your tales about your trip, so glad you took it and took in for Cob!  I do that as well.

Will be thinking of you as the 11th approaches.  The anticipation is horrid.  Somehow you'll make it through.  Know that we'll be here to be by your side through its arrival and departure as the hangover can be just as bad, if not worse, that the anticipation.

Hang in there, luvey.

I'm back. Had an amazing time in Italy and what a beautiful country it is. Some Churches we entered were so beautiful there were no words to describe them. The land, the houses, the pastries, the ice cream, the wine....all wonderful.

The 2 tours my sister-in-law and I took would have been a teeny bit more enjoyable had the airline not lost our luggage. as it was we had to spend time shopping for clothes to wear, not a bad thing if one is a size 2 but we did manage to put together a wardrobe and did not let it dampen our spirits whatsoever. We finally were reunited with our bags 2 days before we left for home. Then there was the last minute airport change by the airlines and my poor brother having to arrive at the airport on his day of departure only to be told his flight was cancelled weeks ago......crazy stuff but thru it all we laughed and rolled with it and just realized that this was an experience that would never come again and lets not cloud a trip of a lifetime with anger or frustration. Everything was fixable.

To say I missed Cob is an understatement. I lit a candle for him in every Church I went in. I was aware of his presence as much as I was aware of his absence. I knew what he would like and knew what he wouldn't have cared for. The world is full of couples and when I was part of one I had never really paid attention. I so missed being able to take his arm and sharing conversation with him. He would have loved it.

Having said that, I could not even imagine going on this trip with anyone else besides Cob but my sister in law. She is kind, funny, patient and outgoing. She was always beside me and was the perfect travel companion. being a nurse she was aware of my knee....which btw did me proud, no problems at all...and also she understood my loss because she cared a great deal for Cob, so she understood if I wandered away just to sit and be by myself and think and talk to him.

So I'm back. My daughter in law and son both said they missed me and that they both decided that next holiday should be shorter cause 3 weeks is too long to not have me around. I thought that was sweet. My little Kingsley has 2 new teeth and has grown and says dada. Buddy did back flips and couldn't stop smiling, he loves his new Italian leather collar.
 I missed them lots esp towards the last few days. It was good to be home.

Now I have an art show to plan for next month and need to get focused. On the 11th of June my husband will be gone for one whole year. I want to somehow get thru the day but am not quite sure how I'll accomplish that. So funny, the other day I said to my sister that if Cob had just working somewhere for a year and left everything up to me he would come home to here, and he would love it. All would be in order and I think he would be very happy living here. That's in my dreams tho. He's not coming home is he.

Oh well I have flowers that won't paint themselves, just wanted to say i'm back... 

  Linda