6 months

[~Jen~]

Tomorrow is 6 months...  I dont even have the energy to put how i feel into words...i have been waiting for this day for so long (foolishly when it first happened 6 months seemed so far away and i thought....if i could just fast forward time to 6 months from now.....) and now here we are.....and it still hurts.  I knew it would, but i thought it wouldnt be so raw....and maybe wouldnt sneak up and hit me so hard out of the blue.  but here we (or rather i should say here I am)

Left and Leaving

My city’s still breathing (but barely it’s true)
through buildings gone missing like teeth.
The sidewalks are watching me think about you,
sparkled with broken glass.
I’m back with scars to show.
Back with the streets I know
Will never take me anywhere but here.
The stain in the carpet, this drink in my hand,
the strangers whose faces I know.
We meet here for our dress-rehearsal to say " I wanted it this way"
Wait for the year to drown.
Spring forward, fall back down.
I’m trying not to wonder where you are.
All this time lingers, undefined.
Someone choose who’s left and who’s leaving.
Memory will rust and erode into lists of all that you gave me:
a blanket, some matches, this pain in my chest,
the best parts of Lonely, duct-tape and soldered wires,
new words for old desires,
and every birthday card I threw away.
I wait in 4/4 time.
Count yellow highway lines that you’re relying on to lead you home.

[Jo]

(((Jen))) -
here we are - and here are you -
I am so sorry for your pain tonight.  I know the 'not enough energy' experience.  But yet, you did write!   So, many contradictions in this process -  as has been pointed out to me many times!  I am just shy of 18 months out.  I still get blindsided - but I usually, not always, but usually cope with it better these days when it happens.  It is such a lot of work.   
I will be thinking about you tomorrow as you go through your 6 month date.  I hope you will be gentle and kind to yourself - and can hold onto hope for an improved state of being!   

[Branch]

 

Jen, I'm so sorry.  It is nearly impossible to capture the pain felt in this journey, but you've come ever so close to the edge of impossible...and damnitall, there's no prize.  Through your words I know how you're feeling tonight and again, I am so sorry, so very very sorry.

This red badge of courage we wear is a heavy one.

I'll be thinking of you on this milestone demarc date.  It takes your breath away.  I hope you'll heed Jo's advice to you to be kind and gentle to yourself.  Sending lots of hugs your way.

[Votis]

Hang in there, Jen. Breath, breath, breath. 9 months coming up for me- better than 6, I think.
We're with you

[mixlass]

(((Jen))) Thinking of you today, on this awful milestone. Hang in there, know that we're all thinking of you ...

[KimJ]

Hugs to you Jen.  The calendar is not always our friend as we remember and count off the months.  I hope, in time, that they become gentler for you.

[sudsy]

(((Jen))) Thinking of you today and hoping memories smooth the way for you. Very powerful poem!!

[Betts4]

{{{{{{Hugs Jen}}}}}}

[Desert Prince]

Jen, thinking of you -- may peace and grace find you and bring some relief amidst the pain.

[Irish]

((Jen)), thinking of you today.

[blondie nyc]

5 mos for me today and I know I kept thinking the closer I get to halfway mark the better (hate that word) I will feel but I feel worse, more weepy than evr. Went so baby shower for Sam's son's wife- baby due in May a few weeks befoer their 1 year anniversary and will also make a year since Sam recoered from one illness and then diagnosed with the cancer that took him away from us. The shower was bittersweet- nice to see his sons as always but sad w/o Sam and I no longer felt the pull to be around them etc. It's sad for me- thinking of all these things Sam is not here to see. ALso heard from the evil daughters - one was at the event and made a commnet that later bugged me as I rode home on the train and may or may not be part of my weepiess now. ALways the daughters comunications put me in a mood whereas the boys are just more human and open. Probably because thier Mom got remarried and the first wife remained bitterly single since the divorce and passed that bitterness to the kids- they just resent me because Sam loved me but no matter.

Either way, I am hopeful your journey will continue in postive ways. Baby steps........but steps nonetheless.  I did have a nice time at the Shower and enjoyed seeing the family and frinds that were there. His mom-in-law ssiad she thought it was great that I came and said her daughter and son realy wanted to conitnue the relationships \.

[Branch]

Jen, just checking to see how you are the day after.  I hope you're feeling better.

Hugs for you today, sharon27, on you 5 month demarc.  It not only hurts, but it is so fricken unbelievable, so surreal!

[Kahuna]

Jen, hope you found some peace. It sure does sneak up and hit you. Hugs, Jen.


Thinking of you, sharon27, and sending peaceful thoughts.