not sure where to put this

[Jo]

I'm not sure where to put this - but, again I am having an experience that would not have been at all the same without my new widow's view of loss.  My brother in law is in the hospital with heart problems - diagnostic tests will tell more tomorrow - but he had been having chest pains for a few days before he went into the ER in a very rural hospital.  Ambulance ride to the city today, with his two daughters, my nieces, following.  This man walked me down the aisle, the forest path rather, to marry my dh in 1971.  He was married to my sister when I was only 13, and for another 20 years.  Then they divorced.  I feel the pain of possibly losing someone who felt like a dear uncle, a father figure and a big brother, my nieces pain over possibly now , eventually for sure, losing their father - after losing their closest uncle, a father figure to them, my dh - and I see my sister struggling already with what is to be her role.  She remarried.  My BIL found a new lady love - a fabulous, caring and devoted partner.  Yet, I know my sister will grieve.  I never thought about this eventuality.  She is already talking about how badly she feels for her girls, carefully avoiding any mention that she herself might be worried or hurting.
My sister will be respectful - 100% - of the new love her ex had found.  I have no doubt.  My concern for her right now is, will she let herself grieve. I see her going into denial already - denial of her right to have feelings. 
As a widow - having loved and been loved, I guess I just see and feel the pain as I would not have before.
My God, life is so full of death and heartache!  Why did I not see this before?
     

[Branch]

The same reason it is not seen now by those who have not experienced this.  You have experienced death before your husband's, Jo, and from what I've been through and what I've seen, I think you'll agree, no death experience can prepare you for the death of your spouse or for the loss of your child.  Of those I've met who have experienced one of these deaths, each prays they do not find out what the other is like.

There are many types of ambivalent or ambiguous grief and what your sister may experience is one of them.  Remember though, we're all different and it would be wrong of you to impose or project how you grieve onto her.  What she is showing may not be denial and you wouldn't want her to think something is wrong with her because she isn't feeling what you expect her to feel.  However like you, if she needs and wants support for her grief manifestations, I hope she is able to find it.

This journey already has dark and stormy skies.  I don't know how I'd handle an additional cloud.  I hope things will not be as bleak as you fear for your BIL, his children, his new partner, or your sister.

[Jo]

Thanks - appreciate the perspective.  I don't know what is felt - shouldn't make assumptions.  I think the whole issue of facing mortality has been a big wave hanging over me these last several weeks. 

[Branch]

Several weeks - that's an understatement if I've ever heard one!  Jo, this life into which you've been force is one of the major events in life and brings with it lots of necessary adjustments touching upon every aspect of life.  We were flattened flatter than a pancake when the steamroller came upon the scene.

Remember Mr. Bill on SNL?  I used to visualize myself as I imagined they'd create a steamrolled Mr. Bill - lying on the street, spread eagle, with my mouth formed in a big O.  It takes a long time to recover from the flattening we've endured.  It's not an all at once recovery; reformation has take place aspect by aspect in our lives.  The breath of life returns to us little by little because we're too damaged to handle a more swift influx.

This hanging big wave as you describe, will not be there forever, but it will serve a purpose; a purpose I think it serves in all of us, to help us become better human beings.

Hang in there!

[Branch]

Jo, how is your BIL?