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[GrandEclectus]

Hello All...
I had a panic attack on Friday, and seriously thought I was having eye problems. I begged my eye doctor to see me, and at least have the peace of mind that it was actually NOT a physical thing, like detached retinas. Blurry vision, and sensitivity to light. Sounds like PTSS, I expect.

If I lost my sight, I would not be able to go on!!!! Very scary idea! I'm a visual artist, so anything like that...Plus, the local emergency room was USELESS!!!

But, I know I can rely on my neighbors--and they went out of their way to take care of me despite all the things that were going on for them!!! Birthday party for their 8 year old!!! I felt so bad!!!. But, I was super-panicking because I don't have Scott to rely on.

I'm in a Career Development program at the Community College, and I'm scared as hell. I'm just so scared to go back to work, and face all these corporate people. I've never had a lucrative career, and for that matter, have never had a really good job!

So, this thing of making my own way in the world, is esp. hard for me.

I'm not destitute, but can't afford to rest on my laurels either. Scott knew what my issues are, and provided. Which, of course, makes me guilty that I have all this stuff, and he's not here to enjoy it.

I expect I'll go back to temp work, as the politics of any one work place can't drive me too nuts, because I always have the flexibility to leave. I enjoyed that. I get absolutely stir crazy in any one job. Of course, it's the WORST down turn of economics for awhile, and the more they say it's bad, the worse it gets!!!! People are scared and hiring is slow.

Crazy or not, I heard Scott call my name--LOUD AND CLEAR--right as I woke up sometime last week. I didn't have the radio on, there was no other sounds. I'm not given to thinking of the unknown, but I know there are plenty of things I don't know, like the nature of life and death. Religion provides me no explanation I can swallow.

So, I have not been on-line. Couldn't bear it.

I also freaked out this weekend because I thought I was going to have to pay $250 for a psychiatrist visit...But, if I had not been cross-eyed with fear and panic, I would have seen, that the office submitted it under my old plan, and therefore, they just need to resubmit it with the new info.

That's typical. But, I'm extra sensitized here in every way. Nothing's easy.

I went to another Grief group meeting. Always helpful. Heartbreaking for all, but it's good to make connections with others who are feeling this.

A coworker asked me if I  would remarry. It had just been 4 months. I just told her, sure.

My new answer, given the number of people who are trying to convert me to some religion is:

"YES! I'm a Mormon now, and I'm going to be the 17th wife of some guy I met on-line. At least, that's what he tells me."

Sheesh! She even meant well, but could we let Scott's ashes cool down before we talk marriage to anyone else??? Don't even know if I can meet someone! I don't' want to have lunch with my girlfriends yet, let alone DATE!!! Let alone MARRY.

I've heard you have to meet and date some one BEFORE you get married. Isn't that the way it works? I've been out of the scene for 15 years, so maybe things have changed. Maybe you just get married now. I dunno.

Argh!

This is the "Cut-To" mentality, where you cut to the next scene, and GE met a new man and "moved on"....

I'm living in the between cut time now, thank you very much.

I found out some things this week that were a bit of a comfort to me:

A dear friend told me that when Scott was home that last week, he told her he knew he could rely on me. That made me feel very good, but of course sad.

I have often wondered if he knew how much I cared for him, and would do anything for him.

Another dear friend, who knew Scott for YEARS before we met, came by and HELPED ME A GREAT DEAL with the house, cleaning up and organzing, which is NOT my strong suit. There is so much to go through, and so much to be decided upon. But, he told me that when Scott said to them that he "met someone", he was afraid to "mess it up" with me. And, that he wasn't sure to how to show me how he felt about me.

If anyone would have messed it up, it would have been me, but Scott saw past my emotional issues, and loved me anyway. But, I got a sense of what Scott said to others about me. That was wonderful!

I was ready to hear from these two folks, and then there is was. Scott was not expressive.

I loved Scott more than my limited capacity to understand how much. I still love him, and if he's "out there" he still loves me. Just doesn't know how to show it.

Scott doted on me and granted my every whim. I grew up in poverty so that was such a wonderful thing and I did feel very loved and cared for.



Thanks!
GE

[Branch]

I'm sorry to read of your further calamities, GrandEclectus, but I am glad to see your keystrokes.

You do have a lot of things to overcome as you find your way to making your way, but I don't think any of them is insurmountable and I hope you do not see them as such either.  I hope determination and time provide for you the means to attain the results pertinent to your life.

The remarrying thing is bothersome and probably won't stop unless you make it clear it is not a topic you are willing to discuss at this time.  Joking about it can take care of it at the moment, but it won't stop it.  Directness is what will stop it and presentation in directness is key to reception.

Hearing Scott...it's not crazy.  The same thing happened to me.  Just once.  It was early in my grief and as much as it sent me for a loop, it was wonderful to hear him call my name, wonderful to hear his voice.  I would love to hear it again in that way - you know, really hear it, not on an audio or a/v recording.

Maybe, GrandEclectus, you might find something in spirituality or mysticism...or even God if you removed religion or defined religion in your way.  I have no answers for myself, and could not begin to impose answers upon someone else.  I am a christian, but am painted with a different brush; I don't fit into stereo-typical slots and holes of any christian dogma.  I believe in what I believe and couldn't wholly define that for anyone if I were given eternity to do so.  I have faith in my beliefs and that pure and simply, faith in my beliefs, is the source of my hope and has been the rope I've pulled on ever since I fell into the well.

These are hard times for you in a period of hard times in the world.  We're not given a choice; it's not a choice we could make anyway.

Hang in there!

[GrandEclectus]

I am getting over any reaction to what people say about this. That's a good step. They just don't know what they are saying.

As for religion...I have extremely strong feelings for my personal beliefs. I also believe in tolerance for others' beliefs. Unfortunately, many feel the need to convert others to their way of thinking.

What amazes me is that every single religion is SO CERTAIN of what happens after we pass from this world. Funny thing is, despite their absolute faith and certainly, they all contradict one another. They also all have different ways of attaining enlightenment/heaven etc. Either one of them is correct, or they are all wrong.

I realize that people find comfort in their faith, and I'm all for that. I just ask others to respect my feelings. I don't generally go into my history with them, but I also think it's amusing that people talk about faith as if I don't know anything about it. I was raised by a religeous fanatic, so I can quote chapter and verse. I just choose my own path, after much soul searching.

Today I am OK, but I still find myself completely sensitized to everything. I'm still literally shaking with fear.

I think I might be in the eye of the storm here.

I am going to a concert tomorrow, given by my friends, and it will be the first time I'm ready to go out and socialize that way. I also plan to take my friend up on lunch, since I don't feel I'll have to put on a show of being strong or whatever I think they might expect. I wouldn't have been much company for them, and just didn't want to deal with anyone trying to "cheer" me up or take my mind off it, AS IF either of those things can be done.

Everyone is so darn concerned that I am shutting myself off. well, I just didn't want any more obligations and I don't think most people REALLY wanted to hear about how completely HOPELESS and lost I felt. (probably will still feel)

I just needed the time.

I was able to stop workinng on a web site for awhile, and I have to go to phase 2, but I needed a break.

I know i"m not out of the woods yet, but at least I have a patch of ground to rest on.

I'm trying to get my resume together, and that's a treat!!!! I have a checkered career at best, but I have a lot of skills and experience. I'm not the usual person they get at a Community College, but I am a woman in transition for sure!!! Returning to the work place and all.

Argh!!! I guess I'm not so calm as I thought.

Hugs all!
GE

[Branch]

Maybe not as calm as you thought, but I think you are calm.  It depends upon the measuring stick, I suppose...I perceive you to be making great strides.  I look forward to seeing you continue in that direction.

[KimJ]

I hope you enjoy the concert and your lunch GE.  I wish I had some great words for you that would make it all different.

[mixlass]

I started out with lunches too, GE. I still do it, a lot more than I used to -- I still go for lunch almost every week with a very close friend who's stood by me through the whole damn thing. One who didn't try to cheer me up, or offer me advice, or change the subject. In fact, she did (and still does) raise the subject herself. She's never even met Mick, but she still lets me talk about him more than anyone else IRL. She helps me remember him.

I'm still literally shaking with fear.

The first line of A Grief Observed is No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear. I spent much of the first year feeling the fluttering in the stomach, the restlessness. From someone who used to face the world pretty much head on, I turned in the space of a night to a quivering wreck. Lewis follows it with I am not afraid, but I was. God, I was so afraid. For the first few months, your 'fight-or-flight' hormones are raging; it's not surprising that we have so many physical manifestations in the early days.

Many storms, many eyes ...

[GrandEclectus]

I'm actually feeling better! I'm going to see my chorus sing (not in it anymore, but they have been very good and supportive!) I stopped taking Ambien, which turns me into a zombie.

I think it's because I'm doing this resume/career workshop. It's given me something I can do for myself...to forge ahead instead of sitting in fear.

It's also nice that the crack of dawn is LATER, and I seem to be more rested in general. Now, if I can just get over this horrid postnasal leftover from the cold from last week. Can't sleep right when my head is stopped up like this, and I'm tired of coughing.

Scott would say, "So, there's nothing you can do about it. I'm dead and that is that. Now take care of yourself and get on with it. See you in a few years."

He was very practical (whereas I'm all flighty and reactionary) and if something was the way it was, he wouldn't get upset about it. Of course, losing someone is different, so it's not like a little thing here!!!

Maybe I'm in the eye of the storm, but I feel all wrung out of emotion. But, I'm a LOT more stable than last week, when I had the first true panic attack of my life!

I miss him. It's weekend, and he should be here. We should be out driving together, and going to a book store or eating lunch at a sushi place. We were both robbed! My life is empty now, and I spend my time working on a tutorial for a web design program. fun fun fun. zzzzzzz.  But, what else am I supposed to do with myself?

Oh, maybe I'll got get married. Oh. But, I don't know anyone to marry. Bwah ha.
Details, details!

I visited another graveyard, and saw a number of children and young people. It's all senseless to me, this whole existence. Again, people are telling me I must go on. I will. But, I don't have a clue why. Seeing children's graves. Now that's a treat.

No one else living is in the graveyard during the day. I saw two people once in one of my visits. Mostly squirrels and birds, all having a good time in the live human-free park like place.

Seeing the faded flowers and tributes is sad. Forgotten graves. The people who remembered them are also forgotten.

I still have that "everything's a dream" feeling. Not just Scott's bizarre passing...suddenly coming down with Stage 4 cancer (as it appeared, since the symptoms were mild for many years, and ignorable!) It's like some lurid melodrama. Badly written. "There's nothing I could do for him. His stomach was filled with cancer. I've never seen anything like it in 28  years of practicing medicine." I guess I'll never forget the Doctor's words, standing there in a hallway, where other family of other patients could hear...all anxious, and waiting to hear their loved one's outcome....
But...But...we thought he had an ulcer. Then Acid Relfux. Then one polyp! He was supposed to have a minor surgery! It was supposed to be routine!!!!!
How does a minor surgery turn into this...His life taken and my life...whatever it is. Back to being alone and scared. Back to surviving, subsisting.

No answers here. Only questions. I guess I'll watch Dead Like Me and make notes. Here are some quotes from IMDB....

George: We lead our lives, and when they end, sometimes we leave a little of ourselves behind. Sometimes we leave money, a painting, sometimes we leave a kind word. And sometimes, we leave an empty space.


George: I don't know exactly what makes people cross over. I mean, souls. I think they see light where others cannot. I think they see a chance to become something else. Someone else.


GE

[Kahuna]

Well, GE, you made me  a few times. Thank you. A sense of humor goes a long way.

As for the eye of the storm... it may well be. The storm will hit again, and the eye will come again... and I bet you you'll even find rainbows amidst it all.

I also miss my husband... we should be going to a birthday party this evening together instead of me going alone... if I go... I may chicken out.

...and that is that.

How true these words are. Scott knows.

Glad you are feeling better.

[Branch]

Glad you were having a better day; hope it's still that way.

Weekends are hard, but then, so isn't everyday.  You weren't a weekend couple, neither were my husband and I.  We just didn't have to share one another with as many folks on the weekend as we did through the week.  In time the weekends and every other day gets easier...you acclimate, but it takes a long time.  Also, the thought that you could ever "acclimate" seems so very wrong and vulgar.  The flip side is that acclimation eventually leads to settling into your new relationship with your spouse and from my vantage point, the new relationship is better than no relationship.

I don't understand why I can't have my cake and eat it too. 

Hope the concert lifts your spirits, even if briefly.

[GrandEclectus]

Overall, I have been feeling "better" for lack of a better word, but yesterday was difficult.

I have given myself another focus with undertakings the New Options/New Choices class at the community college, and it has helped.

I am grateful that I had last Halloween with Scott and he and I dressed up --with him as Dilbert, and me as VMA Britney.

This year, I closed the house dark, and didn't want to answer the door. Halloween has always been my favorite holiday. I am still dealing with the unreality of losing him. It just doesn't seem possible. Our good friends/neighbors did their usual Halloween thing, and I just ran into the house crying. I couldn't deal with it. I didn't want to sit out there. I'd cry too much.

The way he died was so melodramitic...It just doesn't seem feasible that some one so sick, with such extensive cancer, could go on with what showed as ignorable or explanable symptoms, and then the next minute be on his death bed. I just don't get it. Making sense of the senseless...can't be done.

I miss him so much, and just want, as he did, "things to go back to normal"...I know he wasn't accepting it either, which is understandable...he only had a week and half to come to terms with having this insane, ravaging condition.

I know some people die of infections, flu, and other diseases that crop up and snap them out of hte land of the living. It just seems unreal.

I joined a local health club. It's very cheap and very close. I just go and work on the cardio machines. Just something to do with myself, and it gets me out of the house.

Spoke to my Mother-in-Law, and she's having a tough time. She says she thinks about him all the time. Her kittens are not the distraction that they once were. They have laid a swath of destruction throughout her small home. I can at least talk to here now. I plan to be with Scott's family for Thanksgiving, but given how I felt yesterday, I can't say I'm going to be much company.

A good friend of our calls me often, which is nice. But, I hate chit chatting on the phone. I always feel like there's something else I can/should be doing. I hate chit chat. It just makes it worse. Prattle. I don't like prattle. I know he means well, and it's good to have some one "looking in" on me, because I really don't have anyone.

I went to lunch with a friend this week. Finally felt as if I could be in a public place with a freind and not be crying hysterically. I guess this was "progress", but those terms of "progress" etc. don't really seem to apply to what I'm going through.

I know I will what could be termed as "get better" but that is such a poor description. I expect I will become "more functional" and that's probably the best I can hope for in all this.

I have defined myself as the "un-living". I feel closer to death.

I keep thinking I am sick too, and any minute my heart/body with end. That part doesn't seem so bad, and I would welcome it right now. It's the fear and anticipation. "Dying is easy. Comedy is hard."

Today is the Day of the Dead. Feels like old home week. And, Scott is still dead. And, a minute later, he is still dead.

I realize it's only been a few months. Time itself seems warped. Like it's only been a moment, but it's been years, but in reality it's only a few months.

I meet other widows. Some one I helped learn her sewing machine just lost her husband of 40 years just back in July. Lung cancer. At least he was in his 70's. It's the 45 years of my husband that drives me completely insane.

Did my graveyard visit. I always gravitate to the graves of the young. 4 years old. or 4 months old. Or three little graves of children that were still born together.

Some of the older graves will say: Age...6 years, 9 months, 11 days....

I can cry for them as well. I feel the pain of those who buried them, at least some of it. Losing a child...I can bearly cope.

I am still wearing my wedding ring, and it's not coming off too soon. I may not be technically or legally married, but I still love Scott more than anyone, dead or alive.

I am still "camping" in the living room. I actually feel somewhat "comfortable" there, more than in our bedroom, which seems foreign. I used to sleep there alone all the time, but now it doesn't seem like anywhere I'd like to be.

I got a cold a month ago, and am still suffering post nasal, compounded by crying. I choke alot and it's difficult to talk to customers, because I'm always choking int he middle of a sentence.

I guess I'm going to the farmers Market today. I get fruit and veg there...I want some good apples. The ones at the supermarket are like card board and are very expensive.

I also like the distraction of our farmers Market; it's a very strange place, and calls itself the "anti-Mall" which it is! It's like a gigantic flea market! No perfect shelves and slick presentations. More of a jumble.

I wanted to see a movie, but nothing looks worth even the $5.75 of the late matinee show. I saw City of Ember, which was so boring to me; same thing, different movie. It's a movie I would have liked when I was "living" instead of "un-living"

So, that's the report, the blog. 1/2 step forward. 3/8th step back.

That is so true. Halloween is "amatuer" hour for death (according to the Showtime series, "Dead Like Me"). That is so accurate.

I watched part of Nightmare on Elm Street last night, my own Halloween tradition to watch some goofy horror thing. There is nothing horrible about it. Death/Evil doesn't look like that. Right now it's another bright beautiful day here, and it feels more dreadful than all the darkness, and guys with Freddy Krueger press-on nails. That stuff is just lampoon. Death and Evil is not so obvious or openly evil. It looks different.

I love the night now. The bright day is when Scott died, and this whole year is bright; very little rain, and very few over cast days. It makes me even more depressed. I crave darkness.


GE

[Branch]

Good to see your keystrokes, GrandEclectus!

Time marches on and leaves change in its wake, some of it is palatable and some of it gags and chokes, and still, time marches on.

You're doing okay from my perspective as I read your words, not better, not worse.  In most things of life, if you're not excelling, in essence you're failing, but in grief being average is probably the best measurement; in grief, extremes are most often dangerous.

[GrandEclectus]

Yes, I need to be here. To write and read. I went to the movies after all and saw the latest Kevin Smith offering--Zack and Miri make a Porno. It was HYSTERICAL and I actually had some great laughs and a few moments of vacation from grief.

When they got to the romantic part, I started to cry, because it reminded me of "us" when there was "us". Sometimes it's a good cry. Sometimes it's because I still love him, very much.

I went to the Farmer's Market/jumble sale place. I love going there. Scott hated it. I love the scene, and it's a scene! Looks like John Waters should pull up a truck and shoot everything there. The absolute kitch! Animated, light-up Last Supper "art" and fiber optic angels with wings that flap. Gawd! If I could stand it, I would decorate with that stuff.

Scott was into lathe turning, and did make a bowl, and a small vase. He made quite a few pens, and gave them liberally to everyone. I have the second pen he made, with wood I picked out. It's in his shrine.

Yes, I have a shrine, with his urn, and little LED "candles" and his awards, and Rush DVDs and a tie with Wiley Coyote all over it. I light the fake candles every evening until I'm ready to go to bed.

Some one suggested I try ritual. I'm trying it. I sometimes light real candles, but they are scented. And I don't want to burn my house down! Scott hated scented things. He couldn't stand smells.

Some times I think about all the "if onlys" there are. If only he got that cyst on his back check out, instead of insisting that it was "nothing!"...Would it have changed things. Not that it matters. I don't go for the "woulda, coulda, shouldas" the way I did in the very beginning. I know it'sa farce. There is no other way it could happen, because it's happened, and nothing can be different than it was. But, every once in awhile I fall for that. It makes me more miserable, and I know it's fruitless. Regret changes nothing.

I still think I'm going to wake up sometime and he'll be home from work and hugging me.

So I'm dating again: Myself.

I never had a problem doing things on my own, but I normally wouldn't be on my own on the weekends. And, I did things on my own sometimes during the week, but when he was away, it was OK. He's not just "away".

Scott would say "why don't you do this stuff when I'm away" but I didn't want to do much when he was away.

I'm teaching myself some web stuff...Oh, FINALLY I did a web that I wanted to do a long time ago....

http://www.pottstownknitout.com/index.html

I'm trying to get some cred as a web developer...Who knows. I may be employable someday.

I'm really happy with the look of this web. It's very close to what I wanted to do.

Thanks for "listening"...

GE

[Branch]

Atta girl, GrandEclectus, a really big, atta girl!     The web site looks great!  Where's your attribution?  I looked and looked...I admit, sometimes I don't see too well.

[GrandEclectus]

I didn't put one yet. I've got to do some tweeking, and clean up the code, but I'm hoping to use it as another portfolio piece eventually.

Thanks!

I'm glad I can still create in the midst of all of this. I sometimes sit at the computer, cry my eyes out, and still do it. I don't get it. I want to be on the floor, but I keep going. Except now...I am taking this Sunday off!!!!

I have still done some learning in HTML/CSS, but at my own pace.
I went to the gym and walked on the treadmill for about an hour. I want to keep that up. I need to do that! Excercise was the one thing that feel by the way side.
I took a nap. I even had a dream, tho it was a dark one, with lots of dark animals invading my house...cockroaches, rats, bats, voles, etc...Little bete noirs that I can't seem to get rid of. Boy, if that's not an allegory! Then three people joined at the hip, running...don't know who, unless it's Me, Myself and I.

I joined Twitter, out of curiosity. I'm listening to NPR...Election Election Election Politics...
Watched some YouTube.
Started to read a book that I hated from the first few pages. I want to read something light and silly, like NeverEnding Story.

I turned my clocks back.

I welcome the night.
I was having light sensitivity today. I can't stand the light anymore, and it seems so relentless. Hurts my eyes. Probably PTSS. That's what triggered the panic attack when I thought I was losing my sight. Not good.

I should get off the computer. I needed to visit and post.
Thanks!
GE
Still going...tho I don't know why or where.

[Branch]

...Still going...tho I don't know why or where.

May I suggest love?  To me, that's the miracle of this whole journey and the truest indication of the timelessness and power of love.

Keep going, GrandEclectus!