I had a panic attack on Friday, and seriously thought I was having eye problems. I begged my eye doctor to see me, and at least have the peace of mind that it was actually NOT a physical thing, like detached retinas. Blurry vision, and sensitivity to light. Sounds like PTSS, I expect.
If I lost my sight, I would not be able to go on!!!! Very scary idea! I'm a visual artist, so anything like that...Plus, the local emergency room was USELESS!!!
But, I know I can rely on my neighbors--and they went out of their way to take care of me despite all the things that were going on for them!!! Birthday party for their 8 year old!!! I felt so bad!!!. But, I was super-panicking because I don't have Scott to rely on.
I'm in a Career Development program at the Community College, and I'm scared as hell. I'm just so scared to go back to work, and face all these corporate people. I've never had a lucrative career, and for that matter, have never had a really good job!
So, this thing of making my own way in the world, is esp. hard for me.
I'm not destitute, but can't afford to rest on my laurels either. Scott knew what my issues are, and provided. Which, of course, makes me guilty that I have all this stuff, and he's not here to enjoy it.
I expect I'll go back to temp work, as the politics of any one work place can't drive me too nuts, because I always have the flexibility to leave. I enjoyed that. I get absolutely stir crazy in any one job. Of course, it's the WORST down turn of economics for awhile, and the more they say it's bad, the worse it gets!!!! People are scared and hiring is slow.
Crazy or not, I heard Scott call my name--LOUD AND CLEAR--right as I woke up sometime last week. I didn't have the radio on, there was no other sounds. I'm not given to thinking of the unknown, but I know there are plenty of things I don't know, like the nature of life and death. Religion provides me no explanation I can swallow.
So, I have not been on-line. Couldn't bear it.
I also freaked out this weekend because I thought I was going to have to pay $250 for a psychiatrist visit...But, if I had not been cross-eyed with fear and panic, I would have seen, that the office submitted it under my old plan, and therefore, they just need to resubmit it with the new info.
That's typical. But, I'm extra sensitized here in every way. Nothing's easy.
I went to another Grief group meeting. Always helpful. Heartbreaking for all, but it's good to make connections with others who are feeling this.
A coworker asked me if I would remarry. It had just been 4 months. I just told her, sure.
My new answer, given the number of people who are trying to convert me to some religion is:
"YES! I'm a Mormon now, and I'm going to be the 17th wife of some guy I met on-line. At least, that's what he tells me."
Sheesh! She even meant well, but could we let Scott's ashes cool down before we talk marriage to anyone else??? Don't even know if I can meet someone! I don't' want to have lunch with my girlfriends yet, let alone DATE!!! Let alone MARRY.
I've heard you have to meet and date some one BEFORE you get married. Isn't that the way it works? I've been out of the scene for 15 years, so maybe things have changed. Maybe you just get married now. I dunno.
This is the "Cut-To" mentality, where you cut to the next scene, and GE met a new man and "moved on"....
I'm living in the between cut time now, thank you very much.
I found out some things this week that were a bit of a comfort to me:
A dear friend told me that when Scott was home that last week, he told her he knew he could rely on me. That made me feel very good, but of course sad.
I have often wondered if he knew how much I cared for him, and would do anything for him.
Another dear friend, who knew Scott for YEARS before we met, came by and HELPED ME A GREAT DEAL with the house, cleaning up and organzing, which is NOT my strong suit. There is so much to go through, and so much to be decided upon. But, he told me that when Scott said to them that he "met someone", he was afraid to "mess it up" with me.
And, that he wasn't sure to how to show me how he felt about me.
If anyone would have messed it up, it would have been me, but Scott saw past my emotional issues, and loved me anyway. But, I got a sense of what Scott said to others about me. That was wonderful!
I was ready to hear from these two folks, and then there is was. Scott was not expressive.
I loved Scott more than my limited capacity to understand how much. I still love him, and if he's "out there" he still loves me. Just doesn't know how to show it.
Scott doted on me and granted my every whim. I grew up in poverty so that was such a wonderful thing and I did feel very loved and cared for.