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[GrandEclectus]

Hello Folks,
It's been awhile. I am still coping. My class is nearly finished and I am taking more. I want to get some formal education in Web Development, and thanks to the school, I can do some e-learning...VERY convienient.

I went to one of a annual social events. Very sad being there without him. I brought a bunch of pictures to show, and something that Scott's nephew wrote about him.

People all want to give me advice. I know they mean well, but I'm good. I don't need their advice. I didn't ask for it. I know "it's going to be hard for you over the holidays"...I know "Just think about the good memories" yadda yadda yadda...from people who really don't know. sigh. Maybe it's given me wisdom.  I just nod.

I enjoy looking at pics of Scott, and I finally scanned some.

I still can't touch his clothing.

Thanksgiving was rough; I became VERY ill, and it wasn't the food. Definitely taking on Scott's symptoms. It was difficult to be in his mom's house w/o him. Gets to me in physical ways, I can't control.

I must say the career program is the best thing I could have done. One of my Grief groups can be helpful. One is overtly religiously oriented, which is not always helpful. Did you know it's a sin against god to feel bad about the death of a loved one?

Great! This is why I'm not in any organized religion ("It's not religion...It's the truth!") Yeah yeah.

Anyway, not only do they feel horrible about the loss, they have got to feel guilty about feeling NORMAL...Yes, NORMAL.

The folks in that group are nice people. I told the minister who runs that program tho, that I disagreed with telling people it's a sin to feel grief. They at least listen to my p.o.v.

So, I am in a much better place than I was. Dec 10th was the 6 month mark. I am keeping busy with my studies, and career plans.

I miss Scott desparately. I will never "move on" in the way that people think of as "moving on"...I still love him too much and his IS my hero.

Thanks for listening, and I wish you all the best for the Holidays. Hugs and Love your way!
GE

[Desert Prince]

GrandEclectus, I'm so glad you posted an update.  I've been hoping you're doing OK, and now I'm reassured!

Congratulations!  I'm really happy you're in grief groups that do help.

This "grieving is a sin" thing caught my attention, too.  Like any other pronouncement, there is often at least a grain of truth in every statement, even the most idiotic and unthinking reactions.  But that doesn't make the statement or reaction right if the overall orientation of it is wrong, know what I mean?

It can be a sin not to grieve, because grief is a process that can awaken all of our being.  Unless we understand why we grieve, how can simply suppressing it possibly be a righteous action?

I think that is the point that was meant to be made, that grief is indeed a journey, that so much of what we experience in this life can instruct us and reveal to us what we are NOT, leaving what we ARE to be experienced directly by removing all the layers of entitlement, ignorance, crowd pleasing, self serving, co-dependence, incorrect assumptions and definitions, etc.

For example, I had to experience the effects of craving for Micaela, of dumb blind clutching for her, and because of the pain of it, be forced to look at it to understand that I was dishonoring her and myself by doing so.  Realizing this, then I had to realize why on that particular day at that particular time I was feeling that, which often led to exploring my regrets and being taught to eliminate the reactions and assumptions that had produced them.

As I worked through those issues, Micaela began to reappear in my life, as my hands opened and I progressed in the tear-down of the egoistic structure through which I had so imperfectly related to her, walked with her.  I notice that my experiences of her are prepared for by my degree of honesty, by the extent to which I am willing to re-form my concepts of self and deconstruct my own distorted notions, to open to God.  Then when she visits our communion can be spiritual, natural, real, not determined or guided by or degraded into anything less.

And I have found that my experience of Spirit, Reality I guess, has tremendously expanded in this process as well.  The two, my dear wife and God, are not ultimately separate and my good relationship with them must rely on my ongoing surrender to and acceptance of absolute and inner reality, which is not the reality that the world defines or expects.

The pain of grief has driven this process.  Embracing the grief means that I am driven to learn how to become free from it, to accept sadness or joy or gratitude or love without injecting suffering, without clinging to my delusions.

Hope this helps!

[Branch]

Hi, GrandEclectus!  Great to see your keystrokes and it's a treat to read how the keystrokes detail a wonderful overall update!

I'm so glad enrolling in the career program has been such a positive undertaking and that the web development class is going well and convenient to boot!

I can relate to your words about your hero, my husband remains my hero too!  Your husband gets a S on his hero costume, how appropriate!

Sounds like you're gleaning tolerance from one of the grief groups you're attending - gotta find the good in the bad!

Try not to lump all organized religions together, they don't all fit in the same peg hole.  That doesn't mean there's one out there that will suit you, it just means that not all religions are going to tell you it's a sin against God to grieve.  David, who was highly favored by God, openly grieved the death of his son.  Jesus expressed human sorrow when he wept with Mary and Martha before He raised their brother Lazarus.

Different religions differently interpret the Bible and as far as I know, few Christians literally interpret all that is written.  Good thing, I suppose, unless one thinks women in their menses should stay inside the house.  This is one of my all time fav commentaries about literally interpreting the Bible...

What to do with body parts which cause you to sin!

Matthew 5:29-30 If your right eye causes you to sin, pluck it out and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell. And if your right hand causes you to sin, cut it off and cast it from you; for it is more profitable for you that one of your members perish, than for your whole body to be cast into hell.

PERSONAL COMMENTARY

1. If your eye causes you to sin, pluck it out
2. If your hands cause you to sin, cut it off

Of course, if you read this as a principle, it can be applied to any body part. Guys, please be careful.


Like Desert Prince said and as this board is aptly named, I believe grief is a journey.  There are many journeys in life, a grief journey is one of them.  Some of religious faith feel that God's view of grief is that grief is a journey of hope for those who believe in the resurrection of Jesus Christ to find their final resting place in God's eternal home.

But, as you've witnessed, there are some who believe grief to be a sin.  First time I've been exposed to that belief.  I guess it's the opposite of the above, grieving must mean you have strayed from the promise of eternal life.

   I am glad to hear the facilitating minister was tolerant of your disagreement.

[Desert Prince]

Of course, if you read this as a principle, it can be applied to any body part. Guys, please be careful.[/i]

 

[GrandEclectus]

...Still going...tho I don't know why or where.

May I suggest love?  To me, that's the miracle of this whole journey and the truest indication of the timelessness and power of love.

Keep going, GrandEclectus!

I can buy that. I KNOW what Scott wanted for me. He loved me too much to want me to lay down and give up. He inspires me.

Look like I'm going back to school....

[Branch]

I doubt not that you're the teacher's pet!

[GrandEclectus]

Thank you, Dessert Prince and Branch.

Whoa! I don't know where to begin, except to say thanks for the thoughtful answers.

I do believe that everyone should believe what they want to believe. I'm OK with that until someone tries to preach to me. Long story, but it just doesn't sit with me. I respect that others have strong beliefs, but I have some beliefs of my own, for strong reasons of my own.

I am doing OK. I wouldn't say I'm ready to leap up and down, but I think my decision to go into a web developer program will serve me. I realize how little I actually know about the nuts and bolts of web development. I'm into doing the visual design, but I still need to know what's under the hood on that paint job.

If I went for a web job right now, I'd be laughed out of the office. I want a better foundation.

I went back over my work from 10 years ago! and I'm pretty darn good! A lot better than I give myself credit for...well, self-esteem issues were all a part of that class...What a great experience. Now I gotta make good.

I feel all cried out, but I still get emotion thinking of what Scott went through. I also have so many regrets. 20/20 hindsight.

I have given myself something complex upon which to concentrate. I'm taking 9 credits this semester, and 6 of those are on-line.

I went to a party that Scott and I usually go to together. Gawd, that was hard. People trying to give me advise that I didn't ask for. I'm getting better at looking at what some one is trying to do, and ignoring the fact that they don't know what the heck they're on about.

"You know the holidays are going to be difficult for you."

I think:

"Really? No kidding. I didn't know that. Maybe I spent T-day throwing up because I thought it would be a blast. Thanks for enlightening me. I'll take notes."

I say:
"Oh, yes, I know."

Well, overall, I'm doing OK.

I also realized that I don't want to "move on" etc. as they say, because I believe it's more about integrating Scott into the rest of my life, however long that will be. He can still be my light in the darkness. He was a remarkable man, and he did teach me many things, often by example and attitude more than anything.

I'll keep plugging, and I know where I can can come for solace!
Hugs and Love to all,
GE

[GrandEclectus]

I doubt not that you're the teacher's pet!

That remains to be seen. My classes start Jan 21...

I will also have three three-day seminars, and those should be the best as I will be in familiar stomping ground...computer graphics programs for the web.

The credits online are going to be more challenging...actual programming concepts. I hope that will bridge my understanding into all the scripting languages.

What fun...Argh!

GE

[Branch]

I can buy that. I KNOW what Scott wanted for me. He loved me too much to want me to lay down and give up. He inspires me.

Look like I'm going back to school....

By teacher's pet, I meant being Scott's pupil, therefore his pet.

Sure, we'll have to wait for the long term, but what I see in the short term leaves no question, you've been a sponge thus far in your personal grief journey.  I doubt that will change.

Regarding traditional learning, you have my best wishes and highest hopes!

Regarding solace, thank you, GrandEclectus, for the word gift.  It means a lot to me, especially at this time of year, the time of giving.  Such words help to confirm that I was right to take the dare - the dare to step my toes into the stream where my heart flows.