FOr those who are further along in the journey- does it ever stop being hard?

[GrandEclectus]

I just don't know where to go or what to do with myself now. Tonight we would be dining out, probably with friends. I'm home alone, watching DVDs.

My social occasions had hitches. I hate being the center of attention and I hate answering questions. I feel like I'm under someone's microscope.

Right now, it seems worse. I'm coming up on a significant birthday, and that hurts worst of all. I recall looking forward to it with my husband. Now it's not going to be a happy day, no matter how many happy's I get. I know people mean well.

Some one said he was afraid that I was going to meet some one who would take my money! I said, WHAT MONEY??  What Man??? Where is this guy supposed to come from. I just wish people would not make up things to worry about for me. I'm not that stupid. And, NO ONE is going to measure up to the love of my life. He was a spectacular person.

I'm angry that this happened to him. So much for Karma. Incredibly horrible things happend to incredibly good people.

I'm all cheer and sunshine today!
GE

[Branch]

GrandEclectus, you're doing okay.  You're having all the thoughts you should have, questioning all the whys and WTFs you should question.

I'm sorry it is an especially difficult time.  I understand them cuz I've had my own.

Regarding that significant birthday, I feel for you.  I've had one too that was supposed to be different than it was.  Thank goodness for Anna and John from this very board - they helped make it special, a different special, but special all the same.  I hope someone steps up to do the same for you and that you let that someone do it.  Happy Birthday.  Hugs...lots of them.

[Votis]

((((GE)))))- i know it's very hard.  I remember thinking what is there is to celebrate when the whole reason I  felt alive in the first place was to love my Russ and he to love me. Without him here what was the point???  I agree with branch and hope the same thing. At my "first" birthday a friend of mine just drove in from out of town, showed up on my doorstep with a suitcase in her hand and said" i hope you know I'm spending the night" . I gave her my room!!!

[blondie nyc]

Survived. Got thru it- back to work tomorrow. And Branch keeping my nether regions groomed is always a priority though w/o Sam it had gone ungardened for a while so its rather nice to see it so well groomed:)
So glad its Sunday

[Votis]

Glad to hear you made it through, Sharon!  Good for you!
 As for the (ahem)- gardening- 

[Branch]

 

[GrandEclectus]

Thanks all. I never know what to say to other folks going through grief.

A friend who studies Judaism was telling me about sitting Shiva. I like the custom! Friend and family come to you, but they don't say anything unless you say something and want to talk. That would work for me, because so many people have really put their foot in it with me, mostly without trying too hard.

My friend with the lurid imagination about my future love life..."You could meet some one who could take all your money" sounds like my spinster Great Aunt who said that if I had money, I'd just get married and give it to "some bimbo".

I know she didn't know about my taste in men, but my friend should have known better!

I'm not THAT helpless!!!! People mistake tears for weakness.

So, I'm sorry if I talk about me me me! but I would really hate to add to the "stupid things said to the grief stricken list" ("You know the upcoming holidays are going to be really hard for you." That was at a Christmas party of one of my husband's clubs where I was crying the whole time!!! Gee, ya thinK so?)

So, I think the sitting Shiva tradition is very wise!

I'm the one hurting and I'm the one who has to be understanding of them! Grrr!
Thanks again,
GE

[blondie nyc]

I did have some "moments" as I call them which resulted in some sleepless nights so I just walked it off the next day. When Sam was around I was able to just laze about esp. on a cold day like we just had but w/o him so much harder to be still. Sunday at 4PM, I finally got dressed and ventured to the 99 cent store to get some household cleaning supplies- whole other story there-but I just couldnt sit still anymore.So that is my way of coping - walk it off when possible. And tonight I haven't answered the phone - just not in the mood to listen to anyone- that comes and goes. What I have learned is to be true to me and not worry so much about what the others are thinking. Found out today that someone I knew committed suicide- 3 kids, 2 wives (1 ex) youngest is 6 - this man was great- good sense of humor, kind, cocky, tall, huge, good hearted. It threw me for a loop -so sad. Just made me realize again how you never know what will happen or what is going on in someone's life and now this young woman with 2 kids joins our ranks. So the pooint I am making I thnk is that life is precious and finding out about this man just threw me for a loop. I felt so sad.

[Branch]

...People mistake tears for weakness...

The lack of tears for whatever reason, choice, constipation, whatever, is also sometimes mistaken; mistaken...for strength, dealing, coping?  People read what they either want or need to read and it's the misreading that hurts and/or infuriates.

If possible and unless you need the distraction, stay away from that which hurts and infuriates and those who hurt and/or infuriate.  Both really do nothing but get in the way.

sharon27, I'm sorry about the suicide of one you knew.  It is sad; I was saddened when reading about it.

[Votis]

so sorry to read of your friend Sharon. It is sad, when another person joins our widow ranks , no matter the circumstances. You're right in thinking "take nothing in life for granted " cuz we know it forever changes in an instant.

I'm the one hurting and I'm the one who has to be understanding of them! Grrr!

This was a hard one to come to terms with. So hard to figure out if these people are just DGI's who won't understand till it happens to them or if they're just plain ol stupid! Either way, allowing their negativity to creep into your grief can be counter-productive to finding your way out of the fog and into the light. One thing I did learn was to forgive them, cuz most of the time I 'm pretty sure they had no idea how hurtful their comments were to me. If they did know and did it anyway, They were just gasbags who needed to let out some air before they exploded . 

[Kahuna]

Me, too, sharon, I am sorry to hear about your friend.  I take a deep breath when I know of another widow(er) and say a prayer of courage for them.