For madre

[mixlass]

After almost 2 1/2 yrs, when things happen in my life I still sometimes feel like

my life is starting to pick up speed and he is not there and this is very weird and makes me nervous ...

It is indeed an entirely new level of acceptance, although nowadays I think I've come to terms with that it will always be that way. I don't think we can speed up or bypass the pain, and I'm not sure we should try anyway ... it was/is true for me that I did/do have to 'go through my grief'. Trying to circumvent it caused worse pain later on. I definitely agree with ellen on the slowing down, though. I'm still learning that I can't do everything that we did together, in the same timeframe to the same level. And still learning how to talk myself down from the nervousness and anxiety of tackling things by myself (physically at least).

[Desert Prince]

Talking with another widow a few days ago, I thought she should cry whenever she need to, and cry until she was done.

We have spent a lot of weary, lonely hours finding tools to deal with the journey of grief.  We will always need those tools, and I think we will always need to find new ways to apply them, and even discover new tools.

If there is any meaning, perhaps that is what the meaning of this experience is, its use in our lives.  I like the saying, "It is what it is".

[Branch]

I hope you'll soon be feeling better, madre.

A few things you might consider are...

...the onslaught of Spring.  While I know you're in sunny CA, you still have the East Coast in your blood.  Seasonal changes affect many who are widowed because one can't help but see in all things who should be here but isn't and what could be but won't.

...sometimes the feel good periods are like cliffs; if/when we step off of them, it's a long drop with a hard landing.  You may have been misguided by the exceptional good spell you were having and therefore overly extended yourself with relation to 'where you are in your journey' capabilities.  Don't feel badly about that, many of us have done it.

...sometimes we work so hard to prepare ourselves for an upcoming event that we project onto the event - i.e., the event becomes a sort of buttress.  Once the event has passed, we can feel lost and disoriented without the focus the event provided and how we leaned on the buttress we created of it.

Whatever may be the source of this particular weird period, I believe it can be temporary - a bump (or a pothole) in the road, if you will.  You have to muster your determination again and put it to work.  This is when we often find ourselves so incredibly weary of being weary.  Somehow it seems grief smirks at us during such times.  When you decide it is time, you'll tell grief, I got yer smirk right here, and you'll pull yourself through this period just as you have done in prior periods.

Don't let your hip get you down and don't let your pride cause you to make foolish decisions.  You know yourself well enough and you've been at this enough months to know what works and what doesn't - tweak what needs to be tweaked and do what needs to be done.

I agree with mixlass on all but one point, although I think we likely feel the same, but differently phrase the feeling.  I think the pain can be bypassed, avoided, delayed, circumvented - but only temporarily.  Attempting to do so, IMO, is unwise to infinity and beyond.  I've not met anyone who has tried to bypass, avoid, etc., who has not had their grief compounded and complicated when whatever they were trying to circumvent finally caught up with them.  There is a reason for the saying, you can run, but you cannot hide.  Grief issues will get you one way or another and almost without fail, it's better to face whatever it is when it's presented or as soon as it is possible to face it.

[mixlass]

I agree with mixlass on all but one point, although I think we likely feel the same, but differently phrase the feeling.  I think the pain can be bypassed, avoided, delayed, circumvented - but only temporarily.  Attempting to do so, IMO, is unwise to infinity and beyond.  I've not met anyone who has tried to bypass, avoid, etc., who has not had their grief compounded and complicated when whatever they were trying to circumvent finally caught up with them.  There is a reason for the saying, you can run, but you cannot hide.  Grief issues will get you one way or another and almost without fail, it's better to face whatever it is when it's presented or as soon as it is possible to face it.

Yeh, guess I didn't express myself too well there ... that's what I meant. I've avoided it, temporarily, many times now, but always know that at some point I'm going to have to take a coupla days to let it come out. I think my current ups-n-downs are partly to do with the fact that I didn't have much chance to "let it all out" during Feb/Mar. And I'll go along with the seasonal changes too ... I thought, initially, that Autumn would be the problem, but seeing Spring arrive this year has given me downs as well as ups. He loved Spring.

[madre]

mixlass you express yourself very well my friend...absolutely....
branch you have it all so right i think....i was revisiting my pink floyd video last night..their lyrics are so prfound and while i dont like everything there are some that seem so right on lately...hey you,paranoid eyes,sorrow,breathe,learning to fly,nobody home,the thin ice,wearing the inside out....with those lyrics i dont need to write anything...

[Desert Prince]

(((madre)))

[Branch]

Hang in there, madre, and if you're using the walker, which I hope you are, while you can't move it one leg at a time, you can make one, in unison 4-legged motion at a time.

As Leo had in you during his life and has in you in the afterlife, I too have faith in you.  I hope you'll mirror his and my faith in yourself.

[madre]

today a really bad day..worst since that first time i had to walk into this house and be alone....deb and leo are unengaged after an angry time and counselor saying it just isnt going to work..there are worsening financial conditions here and i am worried about leo's mental health as well as physical...evrything hurts today and i have been crying and heaving like when leo died and never really since,not like this...i feel very BROKEN...want to sit in the corner and disintegrate....i just cant believe all that has happened in the last 20 months and the place i am at in life...its so overwheming right now i can hardly breathe.
i will be ok because i have to be...i must be even stronger for leo now...he is all i have...now,tears starting again...been writing and calling friends but not really helping ...leo went to colorado to do some business and as he said" be alone in the mountains"..wont be back til monday...time for me to pull myself together....
thanks for the listen

[ellen]

  ((madre))
I'm so sorry you are feeling so awful. I know it is hard to believe what has happened because it is so hard for me too. How could it be that our beloveds could disappear? But we will be ok, I know. You will be ok not only because you have to, but because you have it in  you to be ok. This wave will pass and you will see the sunshine again.
A while back when I was in a dark space like the one you are now, you wrote to me that it would pass and you were right. It felt awful but it did pass. So now it is your turn to trust that the wave you find yourself in will also pass, as impossible as it seems now.
Even if you are crying more than you think you can cry, and you feel yourself disintegrating and broken, know that we are all here watching for you and that we all have been where you are and we  came out of it.

[mixlass]

(((((madre))))) I'm so sorry things are so bad for you at the moment. I remember that for a month or so after the first year I was in a bad place too, and your grief is compounded by your physical pain and by your concern for Leo ... at least I didn't have 'externalities' to cope with. And even now, I still have moments of "how can this be ...?"

Hang in there, madre. Like ellen says, we're all here for you   

[madre]

i really appreciate your thoughts for me ellen and mixlass...i know that this place is my outlet for expressing my emotions verbally...i have one very good and true friend out here in CA who is also a night owl and a great listener and advisor...she is th gal who came all the way down here from Northern CA to stay a day with me and then fly out to Nj to help me with the house contents sale etc...she worked so hard with me and made it physically,mentally and emotionally so much easier...and leo and i  only met her and her husband casually 3 yrs ago..they are also the couple i stayed with for a week a while ago when they thought i needed to be "fed" and nurtured....they are extremely kind people and i am so grateful for their friendship....they love leo jr and were crazy for leo sr...guess they like me too
well 3:35 am here so think i will try to go to sleep..
PS: not needing walker but still have some pain but nothing like it was...progress!!

[hazelcastle]

Madre, I know what you mean about this place being an outlet for expressing your emotions. I am only new to this site but I know I can say things on here that I couldn't say to other people. I'm always looking at past posts to see if I can hang on to anything that will help me. It is nearly 11 months now since I lost my John. I, like everybody else here never thought it would happen to them. I don't know what I will be like when it is 12 months but do know that I will be listened to here. I seem to be on here all the time but it stops me feeling sorry for myself a little less and keeps me occupied. Also I don't feel so guilty not doing any housework.
Hazelcastle