I'm back!
Like I wrote last night, sarah, your feelings are understandable and they are perfectly normal. I'm glad you feel comfortable venting here and I hope venting is helpful to you with this issue and with any other issue.
These are things I know you know, but just like venting can be helpful, I hope being reminded of things you know can be helpful too.
We will never escape reminders of things that can no longer exist or be experienced with our spouses. Because of that fact, we have to be mindful of the impact and the repercussions of our actions taken in avoidance. Actions of avoidance can adversely affect us even when the action is taken for the purpose of self protection. As much as I loath having the words said to me (by self or others) and as reluctant as I am to utter the words to another, sometimes it is true and necessary, we just have to
suck it up and do what we don't want to do, what is uncomfortable for us to do and seems impossible for us to do, to obtain the benefit we will derive from it or sometimes simply because it has to be done.
We have to remember that there is the possibility for joy, pleasure, fun, excitement, learning, opportunity and the like in every occasion, including dreaded occasions. Sheltering ourselves from events we dread, fear or dislike can mean that we also shut ourselves off from the positive things that may occur and may turn out to be what we need or potentially need.
Sometimes we have to put ourselves in another's place and give consideration to how we would want to be treated or how we would want something to go were we in that place. When we do that, we can choose to be dismissive, we can choose to muster our strength and do what is difficult or we can try to meet with a compromise. And, always, always, always we have to be cognizant of the ramifications of our choice and be willing to live with the consequences of our choice. When making decisions we always have to start and end with the sight of "the man in the mirror."
After I miscarried my first pregnancy, I didn't like going to baby showers. Since my husband's death, I don't like going to weddings and I don't like going to funerals or pre-funeral services. I don't like going to my church's pot-luck dinners or other social gatherings, not because I feel like I stick out to others like a sore thumb, it's because
I feel my solo attendance like a sore thumb. Yet, I did go to baby showers and I do do the other things because these things are about community. They're about being there for people at special times in their lives, wonderful and horrific special times. Those for whom we do these things are not the only beneficiaries of our actions, we too benefit.
Think about this event, sarah, your friend's pregnancy event. Think about both scenarios of buying a baby gift and attending her baby shower. Think about the benefits, both short term and long term and decide which benefits you prefer and then give a look at whether your preference will make you feel good about yourself.
I too believe Mona will one day be in your life and I hope when she arrives, your heart has been given its full capacity to love so that she and you can benefit from it. To know Love as a human means we're going to know hurt too - hurt can come in many forms, like the form of sympathy or empathy because one we love is hurting and our heart therefore hurts. Sometimes our greatest demonstration of our love for someone, some thing or some place includes the risks we take to expose ourselves as well as the precautions we take to protect those we love.
I want you to make sure you make your best choices, sarah, when deciding what to do and what not to do. Whether you decide you can buy a gift, but not go to the shower, you decide you can do neither or you decide you can do both, your decision will be acceptable and okay. Of what I want you to be sure is that you are doing what is best for you with realization that avoidance can be the easier thing to do, but not necessarily what is best for you.
