wishing it was easier

[sarah]

I feel like I am never going to get out of this hole.  I feel like everyone believes that I should be better, that time heals, or at least thickens my skin.  This is not the truth, far from it.   I feel like I have become my sorrow that I have died with my baby.  I also feel like I am trying my hardest.  I am tired, I am sick of doing all this shit?and yet I keep doing it.  I have seen a doctor, I tried grieving on my own?I have been on medication for awhile, I am talking to a therapist, I have supportive friends and family, I have read billions of grief books, I have reflected and reflected, I have made a conscience effort to focus on things I am grateful for (every morning when I wake up and every night before I fall asleep).. I force myself/suck it up every weekend and make sure that I do something with at least one friend.  I have many things in my life that I am blessed with and I am trying my hardest to survive without Milan. 
While my routines and daily functions have gotten better, my heart has not.  I am absolutely miserable without him.  I want and need him home REALLY REALLY bad. I am not sure I can continue to live like this..if giving up was an option for me I would choose it right now.  I would give this up, my breath, my life, it all for Milan.  I really don't want all of this if I can't share it with him.  My faith and hope brings me to a place where giving up is not an option (I would never do any harm to myself) but I often wish it were.



Gosh I am really depressing today...I apologize for this, I have been feeling this way for quite a bit and was hoping to shake it so that I could actually right something positive here at gj but...this is all I have.

[Branch]

sarah, your apology is accepted, but please don't feel that an apology is expected or required.  Even if any of us have not had the exact feelings you have expressed, the feelings are understood.  No one is going to think, bad, bad sarah; what a screwup she is.  The thoughts will be empathetic.  The wishes will be that there was some kind of cure.  Positive things and feelings are wished for everyone, but they are not required.  Sharing what is felt is what hopefully will be helpful to the all, those who share and those who receive what is shared.  I'm really sorry your kettle is boiling over.  I know how it feels; my kettle nearly disintegrated from all the boiling over.

An angle you might not have explored...

In your post I see your pain, I see your work and I see that you likely consider giving up your breath, your life for Milan, an option you'd gladly take were it acceptable for you to do so, were you able to do so.  I take from that that your feeling is this would be the ultimate sacrifice and that you are willing, eager even, to make or give that sacrifice and the connotation is that it would be easier.

No one knows if that would be or is the easier option.  What if that option prevented a timely reunion with Milan or prevented a reunion altogether?  What then would you offer or sacrifice?  What if there was nothing, no option...after all, it was labeled the ultimate sacrifice.

You said you would give it all for Milan, IOW, you would die for Milan.  What if the question is not, will you die for Milan; what if the question is, will you live for Milan?

[sarah]

As always..your words make perfect sense to me branch.  Milan lived his life passionately and fearlessly, as if he never had anything to lose.  I feel as though I am not doing him much justice right now.  I know he is forever with me, getting me through this. I also know that he knew, accepted, and even loved my faulting sensitivity more than anyone. I know he is proud me..of my breath after his death. What I don't understand is why knowing this does not help me to find some inner harmony? Or maybe it does but sometimes my pain is too raw to recognize it.

I converted to Milan's strict religion when we got married...5 months after being married he passed, and I (and my family)have been extremely disappointed with the lack of support from"my" religious community. Long story short, I believed with all my heart that this was the right church, spiritual guidance, and religious belief for me (and the family that I was going to have with Milan).  I know solidly now that it is not..I am not trying to push or bash any religion, my point is that this whole issue does not help make the grieving process any easier for me - when I am at a time where spiritual guidance has never been more needed! 

I guess I just feel lost all around.  But branch you are right...I do need to live for Milan which will be much more difficult and more honorable than dying for him....I'll start tomorrow, I am too tired today.   

Branch sometimes your words are exactly what my heart needs to hear..after reading your response (living for Milan) today I thought...duh Sarah if it was any more obvious it woulda smacked ya in the face! 

[ellen]

I am sorry you feel so lousy. Like Branch said, there is no need to apologize because we have been there feeling like you are feeling and we know how it is. i remember writing a post about feeling terrible and waiting to have something better to share.

It just sucks and sucks and sucks. There is not other way to describe it.
What has helped me is to take the focus from living the rest of my life without my husband. I tried my best to stay with the immediate time, like "it is just for this afternoon", or "it is just for this dinner time". In the beginning I told myself to survive those small stretches of time. And then I told myself to find some happiness in those small stretches of time.

I'm not going to lie that all is painless now and that I don't miss him.  I do. But the pain you describe has subsided and I am feeling better every day. I know it can happen to you too.

[Branch]

Thank you, sarah.  I felt you would appreciate what I wrote or you would...  well, just about everything under the sun that is opposite from appreciate.  Thank you for receiving my words in the vein they were intended.

You already know that widowhood isn't easy.  Choosing to look at your journey as an opportunity to demonstrate your love for Milan will not make the journey any easier, per se, but the choice does change "things."  Initially, for me, the changes were gradual and therefore, mostly unnoticed.  Momentum built with each day of consciously verbalizing my choice, silently or vocally, and doing so helped me to be grateful to myself for my choice.  Lord NOSE somebody needed to appreciate and be grateful for my labor.  Since no one else was stepping up to the plate, I did.

My guesses for you not having felt peace and harmony are that the momentum hasn't yet been able to dig deeply enough for you to feel it or recognize it.  Maybe the harmony will come with your new determination and commitment.  Maybe the drudgery you felt for living cloaked harmony; maybe labeling living as an demonstration of your love for Milan will make *the* difference for you. Maybe your expectations are too high for where you are in your journey - maybe you're subconsciously affected by society's at large expectation of instant gratification.  My experience causes me to feel you can't experience the rewards until whatever/whoever makes the decisions about these things, feels you have paid the necessary dues.  You'd think that ample dues were paid by our spouses' deaths, but we're not in charge.

As ellen says about pain in her post, it hasn't vanished for me.  I guess what it is, simply, is I differently carry the pain.  It remains heavy, heavier more so at certain times than others, yet I more easily carry it because I've chosen for my never ending love, respect, honor and celebration for my husband to be demonstrated through my attempts to live my love.

I'm really sorry your religious community is not coming through for you.  I hate when any thing and any one does not come through to actually show what has been professed.  Maybe there's a reason this isn't happening, maybe you would have been more confused by what was offered.  Try not to let what hasn't happened stir within you, for I believe it will only make things worse.  That community didn't show up for you, but somehow you found this community.  Maybe that's how is was 'supposed' to happen for you.  Did you ever read The Goose Story?

I can't think of a single reason why Love won't do for you what it has done for me.  "Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."  Be patient with Love, it'll come around and it will come through for you to show you what has been professed.

[sarah]

Feeling a bit better..started an exercise class with a friend...and the snow is starting to melt!

Last week was my first full week back to work (I've been working 4 day work weeks for the last 6 months)...it was very tiring, got my first migraine, an outer ear infection, and my garage was broken into but despite ALL of the chaos I went to work every day! Was very proud!! I am hoping that I make it through this week with a little less stress ~ please wish me luck.

Hope all are having a good weekend.

[Branch]

  , sarah!

Exercise is beneficial in so many ways.  The endorphins released in the brain through physical exercise are the grieving person's friend and for me, I believe they were a life saver.  The smallest amount of research will explain why.

And, just so you know, I always wish you the best of everything, including luck!

[blondie nyc]

I agree with all re: exercise. If I didnt have the gym, I would have lost my mind years ago. Not only is it good to do but it puts me ampongst people and a place to have a conversation that doesn't revolve around silly platitudes about how I/we should feel after x time after a  loss of my love. It gets easier but its never easy. It's a process and the best I can say is to be kind to yourself and do what feels good for you and if that means feeling bad so be it. Baby steps..................make a goal that is doable.

[ellen]

I agree about the exercise. I walked for about one hour every day. In the beginning I put rocks in my pockets to create more weight and therefore more endorphins in the end of the walk. then I discovered the weight vest at a sport store.
My dog and the walking with weights were instrumental in preserving my mental health.

I'm glad you are discovering that you can make it - as unbelievable as it seems!