Discussions > Oct - Dec 2010

Stages of ....

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LindaE:
What walks on four legs in the morning, two legs in the afternoon, and three legs in the evening?

Remember this old riddle? Answer: man, the stages of life. We all go through them and on one level that is what being a widow is. My mother and many of her friends are widows, they live, laugh, remember and are in their 80's and moaning to each other 'well, I guess, maybe, we are getting old...that's why doing (whatever) is not so easy'. I am learning, watching and listening to them. They have none of them ever mentioned therapy, counseling, or Kubler-Ross (they would want to know, trust me, if it contained chocolate).

Early on someone told me about "the stages of grief" and depending on which list you read, it was 5 or 7 or, to myself I was thinking: the experts can't agree and I'm supposed to follow, just what? Decided it was helpful to know that I was not a total basket case, that grief, to me, will run its course, however long or deep that may be, often resembling a 'stage' here and there, but in no way confined. More, that it wasn't going to kill me, however much some days that might seem inviting. Even more, that I was going to, will have to, and will need to continue to figure out life as it now is. Not the one WE had envisioned, but out of the deep love and good life we did have, fashion one for me (who was well-loved by and well loved Jack) that will bring satisfaction.

Not there by any means, have no idea really how, a work in progress but had roles been reversed I would have wanted my Dear to live well, grieve for sure but not to let grief subsume all. Not a day goes by he isn't much in my mind and not a day goes by that I am not so grateful for the wonderful years we did have. Would I want more? Betcha this greedy bitch would! But it isn't what happened. He did love me, we did have all those fine years, it does give me comfort. And I miss him so.

Just yapping, and am not saying that counseling or therapy or even reading is not needed, heck I'm doing all I can to deal with life as it now is as all of us are, each as they can.  thanks for listening

the warden:
LindaE, I'm so proud of you....you are truly finding ways to make sense of the horror.As Branch might say "bring on the eggnog" or libation of choice....yucky stuff, that eggnog.  So Cheers!  Am going to pour a glass of vino and toast absent friends....and that includes you!
Joanie

Branch:
This is an awesome post, LindaE.  Thank you for not keeping this jewel to yourself.  You're going to find your way to incorporating your Dear's dying into your living.

You (stages) made me think of the analogy I made to what my aunt said about menopause - here's the story, http://griefsjourney.com/bb/index.php?topic=338.msg9438;topicseen#msg9438

LindaE:
Just back from dinner at my brother's and his wife's home. I do not see him often so this was special. Joanie, I gladly raise a glass to you for your toast, L'Haim! with the visual of Branch's sultry day on a southern veranda surrounded by and with the words of wise women: "...not so sure there is the other side of grief, ... but, on our way to find out, we're sure to meet with intense days, moderate days, and not so bad days and we'll just become weathered as we travel towards "the other side." It's not going to let you rush it.  Be patient.  It just takes time."

Branch your aunt's analogy is a good one. I always thought women went through menopause because if they had kida at this age, they'd eat them!

Branch:
 :rofl: :rofl: :rofl:

Good lord, I hope we've acquired better taste and buds by this age.  I'm pretty sure I'd choose to flush 'em or flat out deny, deny, deny -- I don't know where 'it' came from, I just know 'it' ain't mine!

Glad you're having good time spots, LindaE. :tu:

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